Why Vulnerability is the KEY to a HAPPIER Life & How to BECOME it

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“I want to learn how to be more vulnerable” I said to my therapist on our first therapy session almost three years ago. We were going over what I wanted to get out of therapy and why I even started in the first place.

I didn’t really know what being vulnerable actually entailed, but I knew that I was very closed off.

I would literally pinch myself so hard if I felt like a tear would fall out of my eyes in front of other people. The cringe and absolute weakness that I felt from crying in front of others was miserable for me. I would relay this ego-created-perfect image of my not-so-perfect life or relationship to my friends and family in an attempt to avoid showing any uncomfortable feelings.

I did not know how to healthily show emotion or express myself in a way that I didn’t immediately feel shame for after. I literally did not know any other way to handling emotions. 

Growing up, I was taught that emotions were unnecessary, and I just needed to “get over it” or I would be in trouble. I was constantly shamed for my appearance or for just being myself, so I was taught that it was not safe to be myself or show emotion. I was taught to minimize my trauma and experiences for the sake of others and their comfort. I was taught to minimize myself as a whole, and learn to manipulate the environment around me in order to feel safe.

I always judged people who showed their emotions in front of others, and I saw them as attention seeking or acting like a victim. Seeing others express emotions was extremely uncomfortable for me to be around, because I was extremely uncomfortable with showing my own emotions. I actually wanted so badly to let these emotions out to someone in a safe space, and I would regurgitate victim stories to others to unconsciously manipulate some sort of sympathetic response from them. I was screaming to get out, and these energies would let themselves out through other people or other vices.

I also grew up with a very reactive mother, where I had to walk on eggshells to try and not set off a reaction or an immediate mood switch from her. The avoidant part of me was trying to keep me safe since childhood.

I was diagnosed with PTSD while in therapy, and I started to really process all of my trauma and how much I truly minimized my own emotions and experiences. How much anger, resentment, and sadness that was trapped inside of me, and was begging to just be felt and loved. It all felt so overwhelming at first. I isolated myself during this period in my life to process all 25 years of these repressed emotions and learning how to regulate them.

During this processing period, my therapist assigned me some “homework,” and one of them was to do something that I feared the most: She wanted me to cry in front of someone, and relay how I felt about something. 

I mean I do want to learn how to be more vulnerable, and this is a huge step for me. But holy shit, my freeze response was in full force even thinking about this assignment. 

Here goes fucking nothing. I chose to do this in front of my best friend, who felt like a very safe space for me. 

I internally fainted, but I knew this discomfort was crucial to formulate more vulnerability.

And that’s what I did.

When I felt like crying in front of my best friend, I did. I didn’t try to stop it, even though I REALLLYYY wanted to just stop and felt so uncomfortable to the point of dissociation. But I fucking did it, and I felt cringe as fuck, and also simultaneously relieved. This was just the big first step.

Admitting my faults to myself and taking accountability was the next. My toxic perfectionism had to be broken down.

I could be judgmental, defensive, avoidant, selfish, and allow my ego to take the lead when in disagreements sometimes.

I worked on my communication with my friends and let them know how I truly felt about a situation instead of just letting it pass by, and learned how to navigate it in a more kind and respectful way yet assertive way, instead of a defensive, ego-lead way.

I started to pay attention to my feelings and understand them and their origin, and start journaling everything down as a way to clear my unorganized thoughts and release.

As I cultivated a more open and safe atmosphere within my body, the vulnerability became almost second nature. I had to be more vulnerable within myself, to accept my feelings more, to not be so ashamed of my feelings. I actually felt more comfortable to cry in front of others if I felt it coming. To cry at any scene in a T.V. show with ease. It was freeing.

Don’t misunderstand though, being vulnerable was scary as fuck for me. I felt like I was losing a part of myself, yet revealing another part at the same time. I would dissociate and feel completely frozen while doing it. Exposing yourself to be rejected emotionally is an act of courage, and feels completely unfamiliar and uncomfortable if you’ve never tried to be vulnerable before. It’s important to start small. Stepping into the unknown is terrifying for the ego, so it needs time to build in order to slowly reveal the parts of itself that you have felt shame for.

Why does being vulnerable feel so hard to do?

Well, you may view being vulnerable as being weak or have cultivated this internal limiting belief to the subconscious mind, and the ego does not like appearing weak. Appearing weak could mean death to the ego, and the ego does not want to die. It will be challenging if this is the meaning that you give to being vulnerable. It’s all about what meaning you give to it, and what you portray weakness as.

It’s hard to be vulnerable because of the meaning and inherent shame that has been placed collectively in this world.

To clarify, to be vulnerable does not mean that you emotionally dump all of your trauma onto people when you first meet them with the goal of attaining a sympathetic response from the other person. A core error in this world is that’s what we think vulnerability is and that we are connecting to others by doing this, but really you are not actually sharing how you really feel about something. 

For example, you may share about a past event or person that really hurt you, but you may not share about something that you did that you felt was bad, so you may not open up about that and how you really feel about it. You may want that vulnerability to really connect, but not really opening up about it yet.

Don’t get me wrong though, opening up about these experiences when in a relationship is vital for connection in a relationship. However, this comes with building of trust, and commitment as we feel safer opening up about these things. This is how trauma bonds form, because they bond over trauma, and these relationships are typically ran off of fear, anxiety, and dependency, where as a true love connection is formed from mutual respect, support, and affection, and true vulnerability. Trauma bonds start very intensely at first, and move at a fast pace. A true love connection will feel calm, and move at a slower, more peaceful pace.

Ok, so how the fuck do I even start with this?

Well first, you start SMALL. I used to imagine someone being right in front of me when I would cry alone. Or if I was watching a T.V show that I felt emotional about, I would delude myself into thinking my best friend was there. Yeah, seems a little woo woo, but it was a small start, so that when someone was actually there and I wanted to relay how I felt about something or share something important, I had already “practiced” it. I had to feel comfortable in myself doing it first and really indulge into the cringe that I felt before expressing it to others. Delulu can be the solulu here.

Also, it was important for me to do this in a safe space, like with my therapist and my best friend. If something is truly bothering you that someone close to you has done, it’s important to voice it. You can practice by writing down what you want to say. If you really think about it, the main reason a lot of people don’t bring things up is because they are worried about the other persons reaction, or they fear being rejected or disliked. And that’s what vulnerability is, the courage to be disliked. The courage to be your authentic self, no matter how anyone else sees you or how they judge you. 

It is not your fucking task to worry about how others feel. It is only your task to voice how you feel, not how others feel. Remind yourself that it is not your task how others react to voicing how you feel, only how you are feeling and responding.

This does not mean go be a billigerent asshole and scream at someone at how they made you feel and expect no repercussions, it means that it is your responsibility on how you bring up how you feel when you feel invaded, and set boundaries, and someone else’s response is not your fucking problem. And no, it will not feel good at first. You are going to feel like the fucking worst person ever, until you consistently continue to do it and allow your subconscious to rewire itself, and start unveiling the power of who you really are. This is one of the biggest steps into self love.

This is why vulnerability takes courage. The courage to be rejected, the courage to be disliked, the courage to be authentic. And this courage is the fucking key to a happier you.

152 thoughts on “Why Vulnerability is the KEY to a HAPPIER Life & How to BECOME it”

  147. legend link

    This is such a powerful reflection on vulnerability. As someone in the gaming industry, I’ve seen how authentic connection creates the most meaningful experiences – whether in therapy sessions or even a relaxing legend link game. Your courage to transform shame into growth is truly inspiring.

    Reply

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