How to Stand Firm in Your Boundaries as a People Pleaser

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So, you’re a people pleaser who doesn’t know how to set boundaries? Or maybe you were never even taught what the fuck a boundary even is? Or maybe you see someone standing up for them selves as a “bitch” or rude? Welcome to the people pleasing club! Now, let’s get you kicked out of this club so you can finally join the autonomous club instead.

A people pleaser is someone who will tend to other people’s needs before their own, even at the expense of their own mental fortitude. If you are a people pleaser, you have probably had or do have low self esteem, anger issues, and/or low self worth. Now let’s dig into how we can start setting some boundaries that you can stick with.

But first, hold your fucking horses. Before we dig into the boundary setting, let’s figure out how you became a people pleaser. You can come up with every boundary in this entire fucking Universe and set it, but if you don’t know how to stick to your boundary and enforce it, then there is no point in setting it in the first place. And in order to really trust yourself to stick with a boundary, it’s important to understand where your people pleasing needs originated from. 

Maybe you are a people pleaser because you had to please mom and dad in order to feel loved growing up. Maybe your mom and/or dad were people pleasers themselves and you unconsciously absorbed that mindset and energy as you grew up. Maybe you have childhood trauma where you had to please others to make sure they were okay first in order to feel safe or survive. Whatever the reason, it is important to understand where you learned this habit. Even if you can’t think of a specific scenario or timeframe, try to go deeper into understanding why you developed these tendencies. This can aid in getting to learn how to transmute this energy and reframe this identity.

Once you understand the origin of your people pleasing habits, let’s dive into your beliefs that were created from this. When you were a child or younger, you developed a core belief of something that caused you to see other people’s needs as more important than your own. Did you see the people pleaser in your life be glorified for their “selfless” antics? How noble they were to put others before themselves? That it is a good thing that they put others before themselves?

Or maybe this stems from a core wound. Maybe you feel unworthy at your core and unconsciously seek external validation from others to satisfy this unmet need to feel safe, or maybe you believe that you may be abandoned if you don’t tend to other people’s needs first.
Think about the framing you have planted around this identity. Ask yourself what belief was created, and then understand that these beliefs that you developed as a child with no awareness or logical reasoning at that age, are simply NOT true. You were conditioned to believe that when you please others, you are “selfless” and that it is a good thing. You were actually abandoning yourself in the process and became so used to this pattern that it is now an unconscious response to these triggers, and that is NOT a good thing. I say this out of love for those who see and glorify others for putting other’s before themselves, which is typical nature for a mother who is praised for being “selfless” and never putting her needs first.

What I am going to say may trigger an internal defense within you, but people pleasers are manipulative. Yes. You are manipulating people into thinking that you are someone else in order to receive validation or approval. You are telling people that you are always a nice person who loves saying yes to any and everything, and then you form resentment and angst towards other people because you are dismissing yourself. People pleasing is not true kindness, because you are being unkind to yourself.

Now with this understanding, the awareness of where your people pleasing needs originated from, and the recognition of your beliefs around it, it’s time to finally instill and enforce boundaries into your life permanently (yay here comes the fun part). 

You can start very small. I know boundaries seem scary to those who have never attempted them, and it is going to FEEL scary, clue word FEEL, not because it is actually scary, but the ego and your conditioned mind and beliefs will deem it as a “danger” at first. It is not natural to you yet, so yes, you are going to feel some shame and guilt at first (AT FIRST) because your mind has been conditioned to believe that setting boundaries is selfish, and sees the word selfish as senile. And you know what conditioned mind? it is SELFISH, and this kind of selfish is a GOOD thing. Being selfish is NOT a bad thing, only when you are being selfish in an attempt to hurt others. Reframe your perspective on what being selfish actually means to you.

You can start by saying no to your friends when they ask if you want to go out when you actually don’t feel like it. At first, your mind will try to get you out of this new reframing by trying to find evidence on why it’s wrong to tell Judy no. “Well Judy did go out for my birthday that one time and I owe her one.” Just observe that you are having that thought and proceed with telling Judy “Thank you for the invite! I think I’ll stay in tonight.” If Judy proceeds to pressure you to go out, this is where you have to stand firm in boundaries. (Also, why would you want a friend like Judy?) Say “I said I do not want to go out, I do not appreciate being pressured into doing something that I said no to.”

Oh fuck, that’s mean right? OR was it mean of Judy to pressure you into something you already said no to. Hmmm….

So, some rules around setting boundaries:

What happens if they don’t respect my boundary or have a poor response to it, what do I do then? 

Well, as a people pleaser, you won’t like hearing this, but you walk away. You don’t argue back, or cave in and blow off your boundary, you don’t fight back at all, you simply walk away. Those who react poorly to your boundary, do not respect you.

Personal story for reference: I had a boyfriend (now ex obviously) who did not respect my boundaries, he actually saw boundaries as a bad thing (red flag fucking city I know). One time we were getting into an argument that was not going well, and he began raising his voice and yelling at me. I told him that if he continued to yell at me, I was going to walk away. He continued to do it, so I literally walked away… and he got ANGRY. He tried to gaslight me into thinking that I was the problem and I was just avoidant and that he is angry because of ME. I believed it at first cause his reaction was insane, and I had my own personal core belief of thinking that I deserved that kind of treatment, because why else would it be happening? This is how you know someone is not for you, and does not respect you, if they do not respect your boundaries. and why it’s important to see where your core beliefs come from, because they can block you from standing firm in your power and boundaries if you are not aware of them.

You may lose friends.
It’s true, but these people were never friends with the real and authentic version of you. They were surface-level friends that liked the surface-level you, they didn’t fully appreciate or respect all part of you, only the parts that served them. Do you really want friends who do not respect you? Losing friends always hurts, but you have to choose your hurt wisely. Would you rather keep people in your life who you know are not good for you, or would you rather let go of these people to make room for people who truly love, care and respect you? Setting boundaries is actually a great way to see who is truly a long term friend and who isn’t.

Try to avoid harsh/controlling boundaries.
A harsh or controlling boundary stems from an “all or nothing’ or “black and white” mindset. These kind of boundaries are typically to try and control other people or situations for your comfort, when really a boundary is supposed to be utilized for your own being, not the control of others.  For example, you just started dating someone new, and that person is aware of your previous relationship trauma and maybe even your trust issues. Setting a “black and white” boundary can look like, “If you go out with your friends when I am not there because I have trust issues, then we are done” or “I don’t like when you go out and have other girls in your friend group because of my trust issues, can you not do that?” vs.  just stating “I am feeling uncomfortable because of my previous trauma around cheating, I would love some reassurance right now.” See the difference? You can not control someone else, but if you are uncomfortable with what they are doing and dislike it, then you can choose to discuss it or leave, but controlling others for your benefit, is not an efficient boundary. 

Don’t overexplain yourself.
Another tip when setting boundaries, which is probably the MOST important one, is to not overexplain yourself and your reasoning behind your boundaries. Many times, a people pleaser will try to overexplain their boundaries, giving the other person room to try and find faults in it. This typically due to their unconscious guilt behind putting themselves first.

For example. Judy asks you to go out tonight and you’re not feeling it, and instead you say “Hey, I have to go to my sister’s cat’s funeral tomorrow and then I have a lot of school work on top of that and I am so very sorry that I cannot go out with you tonight, gosh I totally would’ve if I didn’t have any of this other stuff going on, would you be willing to go out maybe on Saturday instead? It’s okay if you can’t” vs “Thank you for the invite! I think I will stay in tonight”

Feel the difference? One is filled with desperation and the other is filled with security. People always notice the difference in energy.

I hope this article helps you as you sign up for the autonomy club. I am proud of you for even reading this and wanting to take the first step into being in your own energy.

Much Love,

Courtney

240 thoughts on “How to Stand Firm in Your Boundaries as a People Pleaser”

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