How to Heal the Unworthiness Core Wound: Personal Story & Advice

Isn’t it ironic how many articles there are in the world that give advice on how to feel worthy? Is that why you are reading this, so you can get validation that you are in fact a worthy human being? Great, you have come to the right place.

HEADS UP: This is a longer article, but it is worth the read, I promise.

I recently discovered the reasoning behind 99% of all the decisions I have ever made in my life, and it’s something I thought I was already aware of and healing.

That realization was that I truly don’t believe that I am worthy of good things and I feel like a mushed up, reserved, coily piece of shit deep down at my core.

Now hear me out, I don’t consciously think that I am unworthy. I have been unconsciously conditioned to feel this way, and I have been repressing it and trying to prove my sense of self worth by feeling the need to constantly do and become more since this wound was created back when I was a child.

I have been unconsciously seeking external validation for the internal invalidation that I feel. 

This has come in the form of eating disorders, constantly trying to look a certain way and utilize “pretty privilege” and physical appearance as the primary source of worthiness, doing things that I truly didn’t enjoy doing but it would gain me brownie points in the “worthy” department by other people that I put on a pedestal, having to tell people about how successful I am or how intelligent I am to compensate for how unsuccessful or how unintelligent I feel. Trying to appear prestigious on the outside to hide the inner damnation that I felt on the inside. I was not fully aware that I felt like I was piece of shit, it was just buried deep at my core and I learned how to unconsciously repress feeling like this in order to survive as a child.

Now, when was the moment that I fully realized this wound and brought it into a conscious light?

I think it’s important to share my “aha” moment, although this realization had been boiling for years.

I was doing an inner child meditation that I had come across from one of my favorite spiritual youtubers, Aaron Doughty. He described the importance of getting to your core and understanding where any inherent beliefs of feeling unworthy come from, as well as giving your inner child the love and comfort that they needed at that time.

He guides you through an image of being in Kawaii, Hawaii, and tells you to observe any feelings that are coming up.

My feelings are joyous, playful, and high vibrational as I imagine myself skipping in the sand and running into the shores of the clear, blue water by the mountains, while frolicking with my arms out and spinning around in the greenery of what I imagine to be Hawaii’s jungle like essence. I am in awe. I feel like the main character in a period commercial.

He then tells you to walk down a spiral staircase in the ground as he counts down from 10 to 1, and with each step, I am essentially preparing myself to meet my inner child at the end of it. I have been needing to speak to her recently, so I am ready and getting more emotional with each step.

As I walk down the last step and enter what I am imagining as being underground in the Earth, I see my inner child standing there awaiting to speak to me (a little creepy now that I think about it, and now I imagine her standing there like the girl from The Ring, thanks intrusive thoughts. Or maybe seeing her as that one meme where you tell your mom that you threw up at 2am).

As I walk closer to her, he says to tell your inner child what she would’ve liked to hear or give her what she would’ve needed in that moment.

Easy.

I imagine my adult self now holding her with tears in my eyes, and looking at her while she looks sad and innocent. I am telling her how worthy she is just as she is, that she is not too much, that the people around her know not what they do and it’s not her fault, and that she is more powerful than she realizes. That she is deserving of love, that she is so important to this world.

It is emotional and I am bawling at this point. After I finish speaking to her, I am assuming that I am going to revisit her whenever she may be needing to hear this. I was expecting to be done with my enlightened pep talk to my child self and move on with life in a new way now that I have validated her.

But instead, he says to do something that I was not expecting; he says to integrate the inner child within yourself so she can continue to be with you from now on to continue healing. I could tell it was supposed to be a powerful moment within the meditation, but within myself, it was a moment of what felt like complete and utter despair.

I realized something that made me become overwhelmed about every decision that I have ever made in my life and where it actually stemmed from.

I actually don’t like my inner child at all. I think she is annoying, clingy, desperate, and constantly seeking external validation. Why would I want to integrate her? I didn’t want to integrate her, why the fuck does she have to come with me? Can’t she just stay in the past? 

Oh shit.

Why am I thinking like this? Why am I so ashamed of her? I had to stop the meditation.

There it was, staring at me in the fucking face like it had been waiting for me behind a dumpster in a dark alley to come and grab me my whole life, all I needed to do was just be at the right place at the right time. The core wound that I had been searching for to heal for so long. It’s like I always knew it was there at a subconscious level, but now I am feeling it consciously in it’s entirety.

The wound that I have been unconsciously repressing since childhood was full force bleeding now that I opened it back up.

Wow. I truly felt like I was that child again.

That child who was constantly on edge, embarrassed, felt completely worthless, lived in unpredictability and unsafety, feeling constantly uneasy within herself, desperate for attention due to the lack of love and attention that she wasn’t receiving, living in a high stress environment, making a fool of herself to receive the desperate validation of others, putting on a facade to manipulate others into loving an inauthentic version of herself because the authentic one didn’t feely worthy enough to. This is how I created a core belief that since I didn’t feel that I was getting any love, it’s because I wasn’t worthy of it.

This is what I tried so hard to get away from my whole life, feeling worthless. I did everything in my power to never feel like this again, even though I didn’t connect the dots on what exactly this feeling was. But turns out it was still there the entire time, I just felt it more intensely when in a triggered state and undesirable situations. I thought that just moving on from those times in my life was good enough, but in reality, I needed to go back and actually process those times since I was unable to as a child, I have the emotional capability to now as an adult.

QUICK BACKGROUND

I did my first real embodiment of shadow work in 2021 when I went through a break up and chose to be alone and isolated (I mean ALONE, like the car door accidentally hitting my ass was more action than I got in that whole year).

I did the first course of processing my childhood trauma that I had repressed my whole life, I learned how to set boundaries and speak up for myself more. I ignited my internal confidence and did things that I felt aligned with my authentic self at that time. I went through a spiritual awakening. I was finally becoming aware of the patterns that I felt had taken over me my whole life, I was actively deconditioning from them and becoming aware of my limited beliefs.

I truly felt at peace within myself for the first time in my entire 26 years on Earth, and deeply enjoyed my own company. I created and embodied this external persona of being that strong, independent woman who didn’t need anyone to feel fulfilled, and that I wouldn’t accept a relationship unless I felt like it added to my life.

However, there was still some sort of discomfort that I felt deep inside.

It’s like when you have a random hair in your face that slightly tickles, but you just can’t fucking find it no matter how times you aggressively wipe your face, then you gaslight yourself into thinking that maybe you don’t have something on your face, but you continue to feel it and continue to try and find it. I couldn’t pinpoint or label exactly what that deep, core feeling was, I was so used to unconsciously masking it.

My therapist had told me that some patterns may not be able to truly breakthrough until I got into a relationship or would show through other people, as they are mirrors for us to reflect on. Well fuck, I knew I couldn’t just avoid those altogether. Guess I have to shatter into a million pieces again and then figure it out, cool.

I got into another relationship a year later. And not with just one person, but with two people; I was in a closed triad. 

If you really want to stare your insecurities and patterns in the face, you’ll date two people, and not just any two people, two people that already have years of history built together and just got married, already putting you at a disadvantage in the trying to formulate your own unique relationships with both of them department.

This is also known in the polyamorous community as being a “third” or a “unicorn.”

Being a third or a unicorn in a triad essentially means that you are willing to join an established couple’s relationship. This is essentially frowned upon in the polyamorous community, as the established couple is typically not aware of their couple’s privilege and hierarchal structures in the relationship, leaving little to no space for an actual healthy triad.

No, I did not go into this dynamic thinking that I was just entertaining other people’s relationship. It was my first triad and being in a polyamorous relationship, I had no clue what the fuck I was doing. I had tried to set the intention of going at it ethically, that I wanted to date them separately and formulate my own unique relationship with each of them so we could have a healthy triad, and that I will not be labeled or seen as a “third”, and they seemed to be on the same page. However, as time did go on, it was clear that we were all on separate pages.

(Let me just say that there are ethical, polyamorous triads out there, and that I in no way condemn this kind of relationship. It was a beautiful dynamic at times, and I know this experience was only my first one. I learned a lot on what ethical polyamory should look like. I am only mentioning this because it plays a part in the unworthiness story, okay carrying on).

This is not what I actually wanted, so why am I even entertaining this?

This relationship was the ultimate test to revealing if I really knew my worth like I claimed.

Spoiler alert: I didn’t.

I constantly felt not good enough while in this dynamic, like I was always going to be the second option, and I knew I was intuitively. So why the fuck am I staying?

During my time in this relationship, I had experienced true direct comparison and jealousy that was buried inside of me and brought to the surface. I was experiencing my childhood being mirrored with people who represented not only the people from my past, but myself too.

We broke up a year and a half later, and this breakup sent me to reflect how I attracted this situation and other similar situations and people into my life. This breakup is why I am writing this article right now. 

I realized that I had attracted emotionally unavailable and chaotic relationships because it felt familiar to me, even though it was not what I wanted or desired from a relationship at all. I unconsciously felt the need to get these people to love me to feel worthy, because at my core I needed that validation from someone who acted like they didn’t want me to make me feel like I was wanted.

If I could get someone who acted like they didn’t want me to acting like they truly desired me and loved me, that wounded part of my ego could feel satisfied and like it had won. I would fantasize about being ‘chosen’ over another person, as a way to deflect how I actually do not choose myself. I would also fantasize about healing someone or healing together, as a mechanism to escape unwanted thoughts and “magically” heal. Fantasizing and daydreaming are coping mechanisms that are learned from childhood to help alleviate feeling pain when in the midst of trauma, and constantly thinking of ways to be “saved” from that constant pain.

I was used to that chase dynamic from childhood. I was used to fitting myself into other people’s enclosed perception of the world and tending to other people’s needs and minimizing my own to get the love that I feel like I deserved, which was breadcrumbs of it. When I did feel like I successfully received some love and attention (more so attention that was confused as love), that was good enough for my ego.

I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells around some people because their moods could switch instantly, and I felt the need to tend to them to make sure they were okay instead of feel comfortable enough to be a loving and authentic version of myself around them, I was the survival version of myself instead. This was the transference of my mother as a child to my subconscious mind, where I was in survival mode around her to feel safe and I had to literally depend on her emotions and mood for survival.

They were filling this ego void that I felt that I couldn’t fill myself, and even then it still was left on empty when I expected them to fill it. I knew that I deserved more and that I was not getting my needs met or getting the love that I felt like I deserved, but I unconsciously felt safe in this environment, even if I felt more tense than I did happy or at peace. I knew it didn’t feel right and that I did not want this kind of relationship, but it felt normal. It felt normal to try and work on things constantly and live in the fantasy-made potential of it than the reality of it, which most the time we don’t even realize we are doing.

I also had a good paying job that was flexible and afforded me the ability to work from home and that allowed me to do whatever I wanted when I wanted, just as long as I got the work done that I needed to get done. I felt that I had my dream job, but deep down I felt like I didn’t deserve it and even felt guilty for having it, or unworthy of keeping it.

My boyfriend at the time would make passive aggressive “jokes” on how lazy I am and would tell our group of friends that I “don’t do anything” and that I just “wake up whenever” I want. Mind you, I knew that he was a very task oriented person who felt like he had to be constantly productive to feel safe and he had a more demanding job than I did, so I tried not to take his remarks too personal. I played it off as humorous and poked that he was just jealous at first (which I think he actually was), and then it started to feel like salt being smudged on my unworthiness wound.

Maybe I don’t deserve something like this? Maybe I do need to work my ass off and have an over-productive, hustle mindset to feel good enough to have this job? Fear started consuming me. What if I lose my job now? What value do I bring to myself without it? Oh fuck, I am going down this fear spiral again. Ok, just ignore it and keep pushing it down, it won’t come up.

But life doesn’t work like that when you repress fears.

I eventually got let go from this seemingly perfect, dream job.

I got dumped by the couple and literally kicked out of their place I was staying at just 2 months later.

I had to move back in with my dad at 28 years old and feel like I was starting all over.

If this didn’t open the unworthiness wound back up, I am not sure what would have.

The wound that could no longer be suppressed was tearing open now. I had no choice but to let it bleed out. I couldn’t bandage it any longer, though I didn’t even know I was doing this because it was so unconscious to me.

So here I am now, receiving multiple rejection emails almost every day. Recovering from a traumatic break-up from 2 people. I lost friends that I valued and thought I was close with. I moved back home and in with my dad to figure it the fuck out. Just me now. What the fuck do I do now?

Living like this used to scare me and I feared ever being in this position. I could’ve easily chosen to believe that these things were taken from me, and they happened because I am not worthy of a loving relationship and financial prosperity. But in reality, these things happened because I am worthy of a loving relationship and financial prosperity.

Let me explain.

Truth was, I was not in a loving and healthy relationship like I desired. I was not living my truth on what I actually wanted in life. I knew that I wasn’t, and all of the red flags were constantly waving in my face. I chose to keep ignoring them and try to force arbitrary green flags onto a situation that were not able to fit them in this environment, I tried to constantly trick myself into thinking everything was perfect.

The Universe forced the situation to end for me to realize that I was playing off of the same patterns that were blocking me from ascending into a higher version of myself. It was saving me so that I can learn to heal this pattern and attract an actual loving and healthy relationship that I desire, because I am worthy of having one.

I attached a lot of my value and my worth to my job and how much money I was making, even though I was not doing what I really like or am passionate about. I grew up very poor, and had always been embarrassed by not having a lot of money. I immediately saw others with money as being more worthy than I am because I attached my worth to how much money I had. This showed up later in life when I actually started making money, I was not in the vibration yet to receive that kind of energy and abundance. The Universe showed me not to attach my worth or value to external things, and that money is really all about energy. True abundance comes from within. I got let go of from my job so I can start living in my passion and do what I actually love for a living, because I am worthy of financial prosperity.

Without these events happening, I would not have been able to truly understand my unworthiness wound like I have to become aware of it and start healing it. I would not even be writing this article because I never felt like it wouldn’t get anywhere, or I would care too much about what other people would think if I failed. I would still be living in auto-pilot mode and attracting things that were still not for me. I wouldn’t be spending valuable time with my dad and building our bond like I am now while at my childhood home to come back and heal, as I didn’t get that chance as a kid. I would not be learning how to embrace my true self without external validation for internal value, I have chosen to frame all of these experiences as happening for me, not to me. And most importantly, I am still WORTHY of my desires and everything beautiful that this life has to offer, even as a jobless 28 year old who just got dumped and is now living with her dad.

You see, there are 6 important things I remind myself of when healing this wound.

1. YOU ARE NOT YOUR WOUND.

No, my unworthiness wound is not my entire identity. It is a core wound, sure, but I also am an entire spiritual being, and this is my human experience. You don’t walk up to someone and greet them with “Hi, my name is Courtney, and I feel truly like a muddled piece of unworthy shit at my core, how are you?” Because the wound is not you, it is a wound, and wounds can be healed, if you choose to go down that path (and I hope you do). Healing this wound is not a linear path and it isn’t always easy. In fact, sometimes healing hurts more than the wound, but it is worth it. You have to choose your hard. Would you rather go through life continuing to repeat the same patterns that do not serve you, or would you rather go through the hard of facing your pain and trauma to heal it to excavate these patterns? Which one are you willing to suffer for?

2. FEEL TO HEAL.

Ya, I know you have probably heard this from every spiritual or psychology speaking person on your Instagram and YouTube, but it’s true. It used to scare the fuck out of me. I was fearful of so many bad things happening to me, and then would become even more fearful because I realize the things that I fear the most can manifest. Holy fuck. But now that they have happened, I realize that I am still okay, and even better for it and closer to my authentic self.

But what about manifesting bad thoughts and feelings? Listen, I know you don’t want to manifest bad things into your life because you feel like bad feelings and intrusive thoughts will do that, but that’s the thing with thoughts and feelings, that’s all it is. It’s just a feeling. The resisting of the fear is what will manifest, not the feeling of the fear itself. I tried to pretend my fears weren’t there, kind of like a zit, but it’s going to be there no matter how many times you pretend to not see it. When you start to accept it is there, the less power it will hold. You have to face the fear and feel it to let it pass. If you resist the feeling, it will persist and get trapped in the body or projected elsewhere. This is an ongoing process, and eventually you will see that these fears are trying to tell you something, something that is beneath them. A good way of doing this is consistently practicing meditation and observing your feelings and thoughts, not trying to change it or judge it in any way, just experiencing it.

But what if meditation is hard for you? It was also hard learning how to speak a language, but with more practice you became pretty good at it, in fact there is no thought on whether or not you can do it anymore, it’s second nature to you now. I also suggest starting off with guided meditations that you can find on YouTube or Spotify.

It’s important to remember that you are safe no matter what feelings are arising, and there are no bad feelings. That’s what so many people mean when they say it’s okay to not be okay, because it truly is. Cry it out, punch a tree, scream at the bathroom door, feel crazy, just let it out. Your ego is trying to trick you into thinking it’s not safe to feel a certain way because it has brought stories and intrusive thoughts with the feeling, in which also brings guilt and shame into it. It’s a feeling, and your mind is the one telling stories, not the feeling.

If you have not read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I highly suggest you do so. He is brilliant at explaining the separation between our pure state of consciousness and the mind. The mind has been conditioned since you were born, you think a child is born and thinks how unworthy it is? NO. You think your dog, Paco, that could do no wrong is born feeling unworthy? NO. This brings me to my next point.

3. YOU ARE NOT THE OPINIONS OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU.

You were born worthy, it’s other people and external influences who have projected their own sense of unworthiness onto you that have made you develop this core belief. I don’t have a job right now, I just got dumped and I live with my dad at 28 years old, so that automatically makes me unworthy of love and abundance, right? I don’t fucking think so. Would you tell your closest friends and family that they are unworthy of the amazing experiences that this Earth has for them because they got laid off or gained some weight? Fuck no, and if you did, take a look inside of yourself and how you define your own sense of self worth.

You need to start speaking to yourself like you are speaking to the people you love the most. Why is it that you see others as worthy and not you? Why not you? Why can’t you have that nice house or car? Why can’t you live in abundance, love and prosperity? Why does it feel cringe for you to hear that? (I am speaking to myself here, too).

4. YOU ARE FUCKING UNIQUE, SRSLY.

You like yellow horses and Olivia Rodrigo? That’s cool. Oh, your friend Heather or your crush Brock doesn’t? That’s cool. We all have our own sense of self and identity that we have made for ourselves in this world. How fucking boring would it be if we all liked the exact same things? Where’s the uniqueness in that? You are unique to your own experiences, and if someone doesn’t like that about you, then they are simply not for you. Hey, I like that you like yellow horses and Olivia Rodrigo because I see how happy it makes you. Go you.

Now this doesn’t mean that we shit on other people for not having the same likes as you or because they don’t fuck with your yellow horse collection and that we are more worthy than others now, it just means that everyone is different, and that’s the beauty in this world. Learn to accept the differences in others and you can even learn from them, too.

5. CHANGE YOUR SELF CONCEPT

Understand you are worthy by simply believing that you are worthy now. Let go of believing that you are unworthy. Try to already embody that energy and be it. This can look like setting boundaries, saying no to things you truly do not want to do, taking yourself out on dates or buying yourself flowers. Start asking yourself what the worthy version of yourself would do. For example: Let’s say some friends asked you to go out with them, but you’re not feeling it. You need to ask yourself what the worthy version of you would say. By putting your energy into yourself, you are already on the road to healing. This will feel imposter-ish at first because your ego will try to fight the changes you are making, but keep at it, and you will see the fruits of your labor manifest, I promise.

6. IT TAKES TIME & CONSISTENCY.

Last but not least, fucking chill.

Ok, I know you won’t chill if someone tells you to, but hear me out. You cannot “fix” or heal this shit in less than 24 hours. There is no plane ride you can take on this path of walking. There is no herb, drug, or antidote that can immediately fix this, and you have to be willing to accept that. Sure these things can maybe help, but not fix. No one is coming to save you from your own suffering, and this is a good thing.

You learn how fucking resilient you are, you become more confident in yourself once you realize that you can get through anything, that you got you no matter what.

You transform traits like your mindset, personality, worth, and your true being that people cannot take away from you. This shit takes patience, but doesn’t everything take time? Learning a new job, reading a book, building a house, working out for a nicer body or better health. These are all worth the time to do, just like healing is.

Just remember that nothing real can ever be lost. And if it is lost, then it wasn’t real. True joy and inner peace cannot be taken away from you.

You have to be consistent in your healing journey.
Some of my consistencies involve creating a morning routine (mine is wake up, drink some lemon water, shit, wash my face and brush my teeth, then meditate and journal), reading a book (I am currently reading Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David Hawkins), watching a bunch of YouTube videos on the unworthiness wound (I like Aaron Doughty), going to therapy (yes, it can be expensive for those who do not have money for it, but YouTube and Books are great alternatives), reaching out for support (phone a friend or hang with family), learning how to forgive others for myself, even if they are not sorry (Look up the Ho’oponopono theory) and most importantly, being fucking nice(r) to myself.

You are going to fuck up and feel like a complete failure at times, guess what? You’re a fucking human, my god give yourself some leisure. This doesn’t mean go be a destructive asshole and then expect no repercussions, it just means that you are willing to learn and own up to your mistakes instead. Be like a river and just flow, I promise it will all work out if you let it and stop trying to control the outcome. You are on an endless journey of learning how to go home back to yourself, there is no final destination, and that’s beautiful. Learn to love it.

Just like I am. I am proud of us.

Much Love,

Courtney