What it’s REALLY like to be in a Polyamorous Throuple/Triad: Personal Story & Advice from an Ex-Unicorn

Note: This is my story, so don’t take it and fucking run off the cliff with it as if this is how every polyamorous relationship is/should be. Instead, I want you to take it with a grain of salt. I feel that speaking from my own experiences will help you to navigate yours.

So you want to be in a triad? Or maybe just thinking of it? Or just curious about what being in a throuple is really like?
Or maybe you and your current partner are having problems and you want to spice it up a bit by adding another person into the mix because you think it will make the relationship stronger, and then it will justify your reasoning for treating that third person as disposable and pretend like she/he doesn’t have needs as well?

Haha kidding… but I really wouldn’t recommend that.

I know what you’re thinking dear reader, who hurt this chick? Sure, I have been burned as the third person in a triad before, but I have come to so many realizations and lessons within my polyamorous experience that I would really love to share with you so I can try and save you some hours of Reddit research, and prevent you from making the same mistakes and avoiding the same red flags as I did. Or maybe validate your experience if you have been through the same thing or are going through it right now. Or maybe just have you read this and you still do whatever the fuck you want anyway. These are all valid reasons.

The subject of polyamory has become an increasingly intriguing topic, with the topic of “throuples” or triads being one of the most inquired about. Even the newly arranged “party of three” in one of Netflix’s top shows Bridgerton has made its debut. 

So allow me to go over the basics of polyamory real quick.

As you may know already, as defined on google.com, polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.

Ok, pretty easy to understand. Now let me get deeper into the two most common types of triads (or throuples, whatever floats your polyamorous minded boat)

The two most common types of triads are the open and the closed triad. The open triad is where they can still date and have relationships outside of their triad dynamic.

A closed triad is when all parties are involved with each other, and are not open or dating anyone else outside the relationship.
This is where my experience with this comes in, specifically a FFM triad (female, female, male).

Okay, that sounds pretty sick. You get to have threesomes and two other people supporting you, so what’s the problem?

Awww, you cute, naive little reader, hold on to your horny little thoughts, cause we are about to go for a ride.

Allow me to share my personal story on this and how I got into a triad (you ready?)

I met this couple at the gym. I was on a healing journey at the time, and was isolated and anti-social for a good 8 months (girl goes through breakup, starts a healing journey on repressed childhood traumas that have unconsciously shown up as my entire identity my whole life without realizing it, yeah, yeah, yeah you know that story). I was openly being comfortable in my bisexuality and within myself in general for the first time in 26 years, and this couple were the first humans to come up and try to spark conversation with me after those 8 months of isolation.

The girl had first come up to compliment my outfit and initiate conversation. I felt cautious, but interested because she was very pretty and had a bubbly aura to her.

She quickly introduced me to her fiancé after our second interaction.

I immediately recognized him. He liked to give me that piercing stare that some men do in the gym when they think you want their cock. I would typically give the please don’t fucking think I want your number just cause I made accidental eye contact with you look.
I had assumed he was single, but maybe bro just has a weird staring problem? But that’s not the vibe that I got.

The girl really wanted me to hang out with her and her fiancé very quickly after meeting. It felt impulsive and the energy felt kind of forced, but I wasn’t trying to judge because I had little to no social interaction for so long, that I just went with it and was open to make friends.

However, I quickly felt and knew what this really was.

They are trying to fuck me, I thought. How do they even know I am bisexual? I mean, I guess the androgynous aesthetic with rainbow socks that say “gay books” on them may give it away. Fuck. I knew they didn’t want to just be friends and converse, but let me not make a complete assumption right now. Just go hang out with them, and then see.

Fast forward to me working out with the girl for the first time (literally 2 weeks after we met). We are talking about random things, all the way from EDM music to why I think feet are disgusting.

As we are ending our workout and walking on the treadmill next to each other, my assumption was confirmed.

She starts talking about how her and her fiancé were talking to this girl for a about a month, and then it just didn’t work out. The girl had a kid, and she explained that her and her fiancé were starting to work on her mother’s farm land to clean it up and didn’t have time for her, so they declined to move forward.

Okay, so it just wasn’t the right situation or person for them, that’s fine.

I was supposed to go to dinner with her and her fiancé after working out, and I knew I had to make it clear that I was not interested in doing anything with them.

I also had no fucking clue about polyamory or how the fuck an open relationship worked. It seemed messy to me, and I had my preconceived assumptions from unhealthy stories on Reddit and local sources, but not much more knowledge beyond that. I was interested in learning about it, though. I kept an open mind on it, I just wasn’t interested in the participation of it at that moment.

The couple and I continued to be friends over the course of the next 7 months, and were now married at this point. Of course being friends with them didn’t come without the occasional flirting and hints towards me, but I really grew to like and respect these people, even trust them and share some vulnerable parts of myself with them, as I felt like they did with me. They seemed genuine and supportive of me.

As I continued to feel more connected and comfortable with them, I wanted to learn more about polyamory. Why were they interested in it? Why do you want to add another person to your relationship? Why a throuple? I became very curious. She would show me other people on Instagram who were in a throuple (shout-out Seven Lions), I thought it was cute. Her face lit up at seeing other throuples, it looked like something she really felt passionate about, and their relationship seemed to have a strong foundation for this kind of dynamic.

I looked up a YouTube video of it and found this one spiritual throuple who seemed like a family to me, it was honestly beautiful to see. I started to understand why people desire this kind of connection.

She explained that she had stated to her husband at the start of their relationship 6 years prior that she was not monogamous, and had recently started to “explore” her bisexuality. He was not polyamorous to begin with, and that it was all initially her idea.

I asked more on the boundaries they had set for being in a throuple, and the one that really stood out to me was that it was a must for the girl to be into both of them; it was both of them or nothing. As she explored her bisexuality, she explained that the girls had only been into her and not into him so far, and this caused some insecurity and jealousy within him (seeing the “red flags” here?).

I started to feel more ready to be open to dating again, but of course no one came to mind other than them. Fuck, but me? How the fuck did I suddenly get in this situation and start thinking about throuples? What the fuck. Am I actually considering shooting my shot with them? I had some limited beliefs that needed breaking through, but I was willing to just say fuck it.

I still wasn’t looking for anything serious and knew that they both desired me, so why not just ask for something casual right now and see what happens?

And that’s what happened.

Long story short, I shot my shot on the night of her birthday and we had a threesome

Holy fuck. I hadn’t had sex in over a year, and then I have my first threesome?

Okay, cool. Not complaining, just a huge step for me for sure.

What does this mean for me now?

I knew DAMN well I was not ready to jump into being in a throuple, and we mutually agreed that nothing is official.

However, we continued to connect more after that, and within 2 months we became more official.

This is where things got… interesting.

It started off with us always hanging out altogether. I was very uncomfortable with that initially, as I wanted to hang out with them separately more. They agreed, and we were able to try this, as long as there was complete communication on when and what we were doing every time I hung out with them separately (another red flag in case you didn’t see it).

I had tried to set the intention of going at it ethically, that I wanted to date them separately and formulate my own unique relationship with each of them so that we could have a healthy triad, and that I will not be labeled or seen as a “third”, and they seemed to be on the same page. 

However, as time did go on, it was clear that we were all on separate pages, and had different perceptions on what this meant.

After 3 months of dating, I moved in with them temporarily until I was able to get another apartment. I had to suddenly move out of the place I was at, and they offered me a room at their house.

I know it was obviously far too soon for me to move in already, but looking back, I am glad that I was able to so soon because this is when I started to realize what this actually was.

This is when I started to realize that there was no actual room for me to be in a healthy triad, much less in a relationship with either of them.

No matter how many times the word equal was spewed and advertised, this was not the reality.

They were completely, and unhealthily attached to each other. They both worked from home, and sat right next to each other and were with each other all day. Sure, they asked me to join them whenever I would like and they don’t mind my company at all, but I was joining them and their relationship.

They fought every single day when I moved in. I felt like I was just there to play therapist to help them through their communication issues, leaving no room for me to actually connect with either of them on my terms or on a more intimate level.

It was like watching my mom and dad fight when I was little and felt helpless (obviously I was replaying a pattern from childhood, but you can read more about my story on that here).

Even when one of them was gone, they were still on the phone or in constant communication with each other nearly the entire time.

There was no individualism between them, they were completely enmeshed. 

They had no boundaries. There was no deconstruction of the couple dynamic before I entered.

Even me having alone time with one of them was a rarity to be celebrated, and even that still came with unaddressed jealousy and an outburst after.

I couldn’t feel 100% comfortable with having sex with either of them alone without the underlying feelings of guilt or anxiety about it because there was usually a reaction that came with it after, even though they had said that they “encourage” individual sex.

(Note: I would like to say that jealousy and feeling left out is normal and should be worked through, but it was not being effectively addressed).

There was no room for my needs, my desires, my wants, my feelings, me. It was me entering their lifestyle and relationship dynamic. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells to not set off a reaction if they weren’t already fighting themselves.

This is not what I thought this was and what was “advertised”.

I started really diving into what ethical polyamory is and what it should look like at this point. I read about “Unicorn Hunting” and what being a “Unicorn” was. I read about couple’s hierarchy and what the deconstructing of the couple dynamic really entailed.
I read countless stories on the polyamory subreddit of a third person entering a relationship with a couple and asking if they are being treated fairly (Hint: they definitely were not).

Holy. Fuck.

What did I get myself into?

They clearly did not do any research on any of these things before entertaining another person. I kind of just blindly trusted them to know what they were doing and that they were stable enough for this kind of relationship.

I began to tell them about what I was reading and how we should incorporate and understand these things if we really wanted to make it work. And there was a lot of work to be done.

They (seemingly) agreed.

We started doing individual “date” nights to try and form the individual relationships. They started to try and incorporate more individuality and have separate office spaces. We set our clear boundaries on individual time together.

And all of this shit was not taken well at all.

There was even more fighting and toxic patterns that were exposed. These changes seriously triggered all kinds of wounds that were being brought to the surface.

It eventually lead to them breaking up with me after a year of dating.

They felt too “pressured” and said that they wanted to “heal” at their own pace, and it was too overwhelming for them.

After we broke up the first time, I clearly saw that their intentions were not in alignment with mine if being in an equitable triad was this fucking much to ask for. I felt completely disposed of and seen as nothing more than a bright and shiny accessory for them.

Long story short, we ended up getting back together shortly after (sigh, I know), as they reached out and told me that they now understand where I am coming from. They both started therapy, and wanted to do couples therapy with me individually, not as a whole triad (though it did eventually turn into throuple’s therapy after we felt like we worked on our issues as couples).

They stated all the research they had been doing and the steps they were doing to take it. They were committed to wanting to make this work with me this time.

I gave them another chance.

This time, I was taken more seriously.

We really worked on our individual relationships. We worked on our reactions to jealousy. We worked on ourselves more. It felt more real this time. I felt more included. I felt like I could have relationships that are more like mine. They finally told their families about me. They prioritized me more. 

However, there was still lots of couple deconstructing to do, and every single one of our therapy sessions as a throuple was about navigating this.

I also was still having a hard time trying to navigate my triggered abandonment wounds after they broke up with me and actually being seen as just a third that first time around, because I felt disgusting knowing that’s what I was seen and treated as, and that I even allowed that.

It was also still hard for us to really instill our own unique dynamics when they were so instilled in their own as a couple.

They planned their meals and cooked every week together, they owned a house together, they had joint bank accounts, they had legal rights as a married couple, they always slept in the same bed together and it felt like pulling strings to get them to sleep with me individually. Even how they had sex and what they liked doing, and it felt forced and uncomfortable to try and incorporate what I really liked and my sexual desires. It was challenging to have someone come in and provide a completely different narrative than what they were used to.

Sure, I was slowly getting incorporated more and we talked about our future together, and of course some of these things are not under their control, like being married and owning a house together.

But I still felt like no matter how many times they tried to reassure me that I wasn’t, I was always going to be second, and was disposable at anytime, and that’s because I was.

We broke up for good about 5 months later, and it was a toxic ending.

And whatdoyaknow, I was disposed of, again.

I am not saying that I had zero flaws and was perfect either, as I consciously chose to give this another shot knowing how I was treated the first time. I learned a lot from this experience, and no, it wasn’t all fighting for this to work. We did have beautiful times together as well, and I really do believe that this second time, they were more intentional with formulating an equitable triad, but if a couple does not do the work of deconstructing their dynamic or do their own research on ethical polyamory before entertaining another person, it’s already set up to fail. I was also operating from core wounds, and this relationship felt more like a trauma bond.

I want to bring awareness to this very misunderstood dynamic and for the third person going into a throuple like me or for a well intentioned couple who genuinely does want an ethical and healthy triad dynamic.

What I learned:

– There is a difference between being Unicorn Hunters and people who want an ethical triad.
Unicorn Hunters are essentially (and typically) a heterosexual couple who is looking for their perfect “Unicorn” (typically a bisexual who will be into both of them at the same time) who will complete their relationship. They put the expectations of the new person joining into a box constructed by the couple, and expect the “Unicorn” to be completely on board with this or they’re out. 

It’s also typical of Unicorn Hunters to pin blame on the third person for their existing relationship problems and make it seem like these issues were only created when the third person entered, which is why they justify treating them like they’re disposable.   

People wanting an ethical triad do not set rules and standards that the third person coming in has to abide by, and understand that they are creating a whole new relationship with three people, and that they will not be a couple anymore. They also understand that whatever issues they are having as a couple is between them and them only.  

-There is a difference between being equitable and being equal.

No triad is actually equal, which is why I use the word equitable instead. And any couple trying to convince you that you are an “equal” is just trying to make you temporarily feel better. 

I did not expect to immediately be at their level of growth in a relationship or be on that “wifey” status already. No relationship was expected to be “equal” to each other. Every relationship grows at its own pace. 

Think of it like having children. Each child comes with their own unique needs, wants, and desires. One of them may require more affection than the others. Another one may need more alone time. You don’t expect them have the same needs and to treat them completely the same. You have a different type of connection with each of them. 

Equity is about getting everyone’s needs met, while equality is dividing up the needs to be exactly the same.

-If the couple is married and lives together, they fundamentally have couple’s privilege and hierarchy, no matter how many times they try to say they don’t. 

Hierarchy is basically when a person or relationship is prioritized above all others. This could be as natural as sharing finances, a house, kids, or just being married. Or artificial such as setting rules or limitations with other partners to preserve the primary relationship. 

The couple needs to recognize their privilege, and how they want to go about this. 

In my honest opinion, ethical polyamory does not include hierarchy. I think this dynamic works for some people, and that’s great. However, I believe no one should be prioritized over the other, and each relationship will come with it’s own set of unique needs to be met and situations to be dealt with. 

– You will always be disposable to Unicorn Hunters, you just need to recognize the signs.

-There are 4 relationships when you are in a triad.

The relationship is between A, B, and C. 

A+B have a relationship

A+C have a relationship

B+C have a relationship.

Then A+B+C all have a relationship together.

And then there is a relationship with your self that is still important. Oh, and whenever the other couple is fighting, it can still effect the relationship with the other person who was not involved in the fight. It can be very draining if not done ethically.  

But let’s go over what needs to be discussed before getting into a triad, and the red flags that can be caught for the third person interested in being in a triad.

For a third person interested in being in an ethical, polyamorous throuple, here are the red flags from my story (and common red flags in general with Unicorn Hunters) to be aware of when you start becoming serious with a couple (in case you overlooked them):

1. 1. They were quick and impulsive to hang out with me altogether
   2. They had an “us or nothing” boundary, so you are not getting to date them separately, you are dating them as a couple. If they are not okay with you being able to date one person at a time, then they are Unicorn Hunters. 
   3. She talked about already disposing of another girl because they were too busy for her.
   4. This wasn’t a part of my story, but another common red flag is when the women does not allow for the third person to have individual sex with the male, and only allows for threesomes or individual sex with just her.
   5. It was initially her who wanted to explore her bisexuality, and he agreed to it. Not saying this is entirely a bad thing, but they were not individually polyamorous to begin with, and he definitely had jealousy and insecurities surrounding her being with other women. You could tell it was not what he truly desired. 
   6. Being kept as a “secret” and not being open about the relationship. It’s not a great feeling when you have to be constantly introduced as the “friend” as they get to openly be a couple.
   7. I was the only one doing all of the research on how to do ethical polyamory.
   8. They played the narrative that they were a couple that rarely fought before I got with them, and then tried to say that they had never fought like that until I entered the picture. 
   9. They were completely enmeshed with each other. 
   10. This was not part of my story, but if language like being a “third” or “Unicorn” is used, then that’s what they see you as. 
   11. The couple had formulated their own set of rules and standards for a triad relationship before I even joined, which does not allow the third person coming in to even set their own path for the relationship. I was already constructed into their small box (i.e. Having to have constant communication when individually hanging out in the beginning). This is to help preserve their relationship.  

For the couples: Questions to ask before even CONSIDERING bringing in another person

1. 1. Are you willing to let your partner go on vacations with this other person?
   2. Are you okay with your partner falling in love with someone else, and allowing them to have their own unique relationship without trying to interfere or control it?
   3. Are you willing to give them that time together so they can build their own relationship?
   4. Are you willing to break down your dynamic as a couple to get rid of the couple’s hierarchy so that you can allow another person to come in and formulate his/her own relationships with each of you?
   5. Are you willing to date separately first?
   6. Are you willing to wait until another person joins and then altogether set boundaries and expectations that include them, and drop any rules and expectations that you have before they get there?
   7. No matter what, your couple dynamic is not safe and your pre-existing relationship will change. Are you willing to accept this? You can still have a healthy relationship, but don’t expect your dynamic to remain the same.
   8. Are you willing to accept that your relationships will be at different paces, and that the third person may connect with one of you more than the other, or in different ways?  
   9. How are you willing to address jealousy, and other uncomfortable emotions?