We have all been through some sort of breakup in this lifetime, whether it be romantic or platonic.
And that shit fucking hurts.
But have you ever been through a toxic breakup?
That shit really fucking hurts.
Now let’s talk about healing from a toxic/traumatic breakup.
I used to think that amicable breakups could hurt worse than toxic ones.
When I went through an amicable split with my ex in 2021, it felt gut wrenching. We simply just were not the right person for each other, and that fucking sucked. I almost wished he would’ve cheated on me or done something wrong so my ego could have used that twisted narrative to my advantage when healing, over ruminating on how we could’ve made it work. I wanted to get over him cause he was a good guy (and ya girl needed lots of healing to do).
But after my most recent breakup, my outlook and opinion have changed on this.
My last relationship may be a little different than the average relationship, as I was in a closed triad/throuple.
I was the third person coming into an already established relationship with a couple who was together for about 6 years at the time and just got married (sigh, I know it already sounds like a disaster before it even started, don’t fucking judge me).
I had every intention on going at this in the most equitable way possible, where I would formulate my own relationship with each of them individually, and then bring that energy into the triad dynamic for a strong, ethical, and healthy polyamorous relationship.
Way too long of a story short, not all of us were on the same page with this intention like I thought we were (click here if you would like to learn why).
When we broke up, it was a very undesirable situation.
It was a toxic end after a year and a half of dating, and I felt completely blindsided with how it ended.
I felt that I was blamed, ridiculed, degraded, yelled at, and then kicked out of their house that I was staying at late at night. I had no say. I had given them all of the power over this relationship. I felt like I had no control.
I thought the amicable split was gut wrenching, but this was mutilating in a whole other way.
Two people that I really loved and respected and I thought felt the same about me, I felt just disposed of me like trash.
I had never felt more worse in my life. The whole experience felt traumatic.
I had thoughts running through my head like: How could this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Where do I go from here? How long until I feel better again? Or at least until I don’t feel like my nerves had been struck by lightning or like I had an anxiety pit from hell in my chest?
I was an anxious wreck. I felt completely undesirable, helpless, and just lost in life.
I wasn’t just losing them, I was also losing the friends I made from them, the families I became close with, the dogs we were raising together, the future we planned together and the memories we had made. I was losing my life, or the identity that I thought my life was. I was losing the identity on who my ego created them to be, which was a fantasy-made potential of them, not the reality of them.
But most importantly, I was losing myself.
However, there is a light at the end of every tunnel, and even though I had felt at my lowest point, I knew that I had to keep a positive outlook on this situation, no matter how I was feeling.
And that was the greatest thing that I did for myself throughout this entire healing process.
If they wouldn’t have “dumped” me, I would have never left. I knew that this relationship was not a great fit for me, yet I continued to stay knowing that. I chose to stay knowing that the relationship was more toxic than it was healthy.
I knew that if someone truly loved and respected me, they would have never treated me like that. That was not love.
It’s a blessing that they ended it with me like that to see how much better I truly deserve. In fact, it feels like I was finally released from something that I could not force myself to get out of, and they did it for me. I no longer felt like I had to live in the unconscious, underlying anxiety and unpredictability that I became immune to. I almost became too comfortable living in misery.
Of course when it initially happened, it did not feel this way, I felt completely worthless, but logically I knew that it was happening for me, and that I was worth more than that. It was just going to have to hurt like a bitch for the time being.
On a spiritual level, I knew that they were mirrors into my shadow and childhood, where these kind of dynamics felt normal and like I “deserved” this kind of treatment.
They showed me parts of myself that I don’t think I would have been able to reveal while single. I consciously decided to reframe this experience as a spiritual teaching, so I can heal from this and allow it to raise my own consciousness.
This relationship gave me clarity on a part of myself that was no longer serving me and I was having a hard time letting go of.
That’s why it hurt so much, because I was releasing a part of me. That part of me that needed them to love me so I could love myself. I relied on them to fill that part of myself, and then used that as a measure of worthiness.
That part of me had felt so comfortable and was familiar for so long. It was not easy to let that part of myself go, no matter how toxic that pattern may have been or how much it wasn’t serving me.
That’s essentially what relationships are, they are a reflection of ourselves. They are our biggest teachers into learning about ourselves, if you allow them to be. They reveal those hidden parts of us that don’t consciously come out when we are single.
Those triggers or insecurities that only come up when you are in an intimate relationship with someone, or the lonely feelings that come back after the break up, investigate these. They are trying to tell you something about yourself. They are screaming for your attention.
I have now reached a point in my healing process where I can see how this happened for me, and I have gained a new level of self respect, confidence, and trust within myself that was not there before.
It has not been a walk in the park to heal from this, it takes time and consistency, but also a lot of trust that you WILL heal and it DOES get better. Here’s some tips on how I have been healing:
1. Reframe your perspective
Your ability to heal depends on the meaning that you give to that person and the relationship.
If you give that person a label that they were your one and only soulmate, that “the stars were in complete alignment” for y’all to be together forever and you will never find a love like that again, then that’s the meaning that you are choosing to give them. You are giving them control over your own life narrative and emotions, and you are coming from a place of lack within yourself, even if you don’t see that.
But if you give this the meaning that it is happening because you are learning something from it, and choose to see it as a growth opportunity, then your healing process will have way less suffering.
You have to realize that person is just simply not for you, and if it was meant to be then y’all wouldn’t have broken up, period. There is an abundance of love and people out there for you, and that’s just a fact, you just have to be willing to believe it.
Your brain is literally rewiring itself into another reality, it’s in unfamiliar territory following a breakup because it was so used to the reality of integrating that person. It just needs time to rewire and become familiar with a new reality is all.
It can be hard to accept this reality, and it will take some time to accept that. But the sooner you do, the better. You have to choose to reframe this perspective.
2. Allow that shit to hurt.
No, seriously. Let the pain come flooding in, welcome it. It is your friend. Be angry. Scream in your pillow. Cry helplessly on the floor. Watch all the Hallmark movies and listen to the entire SOUR album by Olivia Rodrigo on repeat. LET. IT. OUT.
Then LET. IT. GO.
When you allow your emotions to run through you, you allow them to be released. Be willing to accept that there is no quick fix to healing, and just dive into the process. The ego is going to make you feel like it is scary, because it is scary to the ego. Don’t try and distract yourself from your feelings. Just remind yourself and know that you are safe no matter what and this does pass, but you have to let it pass first. Don’t resist the pain or act like you are okay. It is okay to not be okay my dear.
Life Hack: Read the book “Letting Go” by David Hawkins. You’ll thank me later. Here’s a great summary article on it.
3. No-Contact Rule
Yes, I am sure you are aware of this rule, and yes you should follow it after an breakup, whether it was amicable or toxic.
The no contact rule means that you do not, text, call, have them on any social media, or communicate with them in ANY way. You don’t talk to their friends or family about the breakup either.
Right after the breakup is when you will be experiencing the most amount of grief, loneliness and desire for connections, making you more vulnerable to holding onto the attachment that you once had with them. By staying in contact with your ex, you are only keeping these emotions at a high intensity, and not allowing them to effectively flow and be released.
You can still have love for your ex and still wish them love and light, but you do not need to “stay friends” or stay in contact with them to do that, especially after a toxic breakup.
You are only delaying your own healing process by doing this.
Obviously if you have kids or you work together, this will look a little different. The only contact that you should have with them is when it is only about the kids or work, and nothing else.
And no, you do not need “closure” from your ex either, this is the time to give yourself that closure that you seek from them and formulate your own path, which brings me to my next point.
4. It’s time to be fucking selfish and get to know yourself.
Some people will see the word “selfish” and put it into a condescending box of guilt. Whenever we do anything that we deem as selfish and then feel guilty about doing it, we then stop doing it, and then the cycle repeats.
Well, I am telling your box of guilt to fuck right off.
Think about it, you do so much for other people when you should be doing those things for yourself, but doing them for other people is something to be praised for? Nah, fuck that.
And I also don’t mean be selfish in a way that is harming to others either for your own personal gain (which is actually a loss), that’s called narcissism.
This is the time to do whatever the fuck you want. This is a time to make it all about you. Learn about you. Get to know who you are.
Do what is good for you, not what is good for anyone else. This is the time to try something new or put your focus on a hobby.
A good technique to initiate learning about yourself is to list all of the qualities that you would like for your next partner(s) to have or that you wished your previous partner(s) had.
This could be that you want them to have emotional intelligence, to be a good listener, have accountability, be empathetic, etc.
Now, I want you to take that list, and start embodying all of these traits yourself.
What part of your emotional health could be worked on so that you can attain the emotional intelligence that you crave from someone else? Are you an active listener? Do you really take accountability when a situation calls for it? Are you prideful? Do you communicate effectively and respectfully to those you love when you feel there is something that is bothering you? Do you know how to effectively set and enforce clear boundaries?
Get to know the ins and outs of you first before trying to figure them out in someone else. Be the person that you would want to be with first. Once you do, you will never allow yourself to be with someone who is not good for you ever again.
5. Shadow Work
This is vital. What did this experience teach you about yourself? What do you think the other person was mirroring to you? Is this a similar situation to the past experiences in your childhood? What are you most afraid of revealing to others about yourself?
You don’t want another situation like this, so it’s important to be aware of these patterns within yourself so you do not repeat the process through different people, because you will if you do not take the time to sit with your shadow.
Are you willing to face the “darker” parts of yourself, and sit with yourself through them? Alone? In Solitude? Can you be comfortable being completely alone with every single part of yourself? Can you fully and unconditionally love and accept every part of yourself?
I suggest looking into the godfather of shadow work, Carl Jung, or watching this video on it by Heidi Priebe, these are great starting points.
6. THERAPY.
I know that there is still a stigma around therapy… STILL.
“I’ve already tried it.” “It was mid.” “The therapist was surface level.” “I’ve already read books on self help.”
You can read every self help book on the fucking planet, and that is still not enough be a replacement for a therapist. A book can not help you to unveil your own deep rooted trauma or unhealed parts of yourself, everyone has their own unique journey of healing. Books can help, absolutely. But intellectualizing your emotions vs having a professional be a safe space for you to feel and process your emotions are completely different things.
I went through 2 therapists before I actually found my therapist that I still go to now. Psychologytoday.com is a great place to start.
You do have to actually utilize the methods you are being taught in therapy, and you need to be completely honest with your therapist. Yes, you have to be very vulnerable and reveal parts of yourself that you may not have accepted yet. A good therapist will ensure that you feel safe with them first so that you can eventually feel comfortable sharing the deeper parts of yourself. Therapy is not a cure-all, though, you still have to do the work.
If you have already tried the process of therapy and still do not find it useful, then that is okay. You know what works for you and what doesn’t. This is obviously for those who do have the funds and benefits to receive therapy. If you do not have enough money at the moment to pay for therapy, then I suggest still reading books or learning from YouTube for now.
7. Journaling
I feel like people seriously overlook journaling. I feel like there is pressure to have to write an entire page of thoughtfully curated sentences in order for it to be considered journaling.
No, sis.
Journaling is a great tool (in addition to the above steps) to help you declutter your thoughts and emotions, and make them more clear by writing it down.
This does not mean you have to go full Robert Frost and contextualize your thoughts and emotions into fucking poetry.
Sometimes my journal entries look like this:
“Today has been weird, I am tired and I love my dog.”
Done.
And other times my journal entries can start like this:
“Gawww what the fuck is this feeling.? I feel so fucking irritated. Where the fuck is this coming from? Now I feel guilty for feeling fucking angry. But why do I feel guilty? I had this same feeling when…”
This is when I am trying to put my thoughts with that feeling out in front of me. When I do this, I am able to keep writing about it until I feel I have nothing left to say about it, and I can come to a conclusion on maybe where this feeling is actually stemming from or figure out why I am even having this feeling in the first place. Or maybe just need to vent.
Once you consistently just write fucking anything and make it a part of your daily routine, you will reap the benefits. It can also be easier to just type it out on your computer instead of writing in a journal for some people. I do this when I feel like I have a novel of shit to say.
A good journaling technique that has helped me following a breakup is to write a letter to your ex, but not actually send it. Write about everything. Allow yourself to be fucking angry, be sad, feel nostalgic, whatever you feel and whatever you want to say is valid.
Then fucking burn it or rip it to shreds when you’re done processing the letter.
8. Meditation
Please fucking try meditation.
So many people give up on meditation because they feel defeated when they can’t “quiet” their mind or sit still.
Not being able to do either of these while trying to meditate is actually still meditation. Meditation is not about quieting the mind, it’s about observing the mind, and actually allowing any thoughts and emotions to be there without judgement or trying to change it. If you start crying, don’t try to stop. If you are feeling angry, don’t try and switch to a different emotion. Allowing is the key to meditation.
It’s about getting inside of your body, and trying to put the focus on your breathing. The ego is going to try hard to trick you into thinking that it’s not working and that you just can’t sit still.
I suggest starting off with guided meditations, that you can find on YouTube. Starting with just a 10 minute one, every morning and night is perfect. Accept that you are not going to immediately become enlightened like the Buddha, its about learning to sit comfortably with yourself.
9. Sobriety
I can already see the *eye rolls* on this one, but hear me out.
I was an avid weed smoker and went out for the occasional drinks, but I decided that I wanted to be completely sober for this breakup. I wanted to feel it all. I wanted to feel the discomfort. I didn’t want an instant fix to feel better, because the feelings were still going to be there anyways, even if I temporarily decided to relieve some of the pain with a vice.
I would also categorize staying off of social media as a form of sobriety because of how addicting it can be. It can be easy to distract yourself with mindless scrolling or unconsciously compare yourself to everyone else’s seemingly *great* life while you feel like you just got run over by a dump truck.
Additional benefits from sobriety included having more clarity, higher energy, and better sleep.
You truly feel all the highs and the lows when sober, and that’s fucking beautiful to me that I can feel that much.
A rule of thumb that I have for myself is if I can’t feel good being sober, then I won’t feel good not being sober. Sure maybe temporarily, but it’s not sustainable or where true joy comes from.
10. SUPPORT
Last but not least, support.
Probably the most important part of healing through a breakup for me was the support that I had.
My support looked like friends taking me in and giving me a place to sleep when I got kicked out until I was able to move back home and in with my dad. They helped me moved all my stuff, and even picked up stuff for me from their house so I didn’t have to see them or go to their house over and over again. They constantly checked in on me to see how I was doing. They were always there to listen (though I also made to sure to not use them as a therapist). My dad taking me in and just allowing me heal while I am back home. Spending time with my little sisters.
Fuck, I am forever grateful for everyone who truly helped me through that breakup, and I wish for everyone to have this kind of support.
A friend or a family member that you can safely cry and talk to is more help than you could imagine it being. You begin to truly cherish the people who have always had your back.
It is also important to note that you must remain consistent and disciplined at these things in order to heal. Sure, you may not always want to meditate or journal everyday, but it’s not about you wanting to do them, it’s about having the discipline to do them despite how you feel. The healing process takes time, and you will need patience and trust that you will heal.
Listen, no matter how toxic the ending was with your ex (or exes in my case), the new relationship with yourself doesn’t have to be. You get to choose to be in a healthy relationship with yourself now. It may take some work, but at the end of the day, you always have your own back. You are the one that you fall back onto when shit hits the fan, so make sure you can depend on yourself when it does.